My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
A roof is a house hat.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift