when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.