I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰