Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.