[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.