My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
You Might Also Like
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri