Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw