having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes