My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
You Might Also Like
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.