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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.