You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny