Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Finally, an explanation.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.