[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
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I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
This rocks
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.