If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”