Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
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Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.