Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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This line from Airplane.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
When I snag the last meatball.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..