2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
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Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
then why did i get this email
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?