This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*