Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
@funTweeters I am at your service….
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I have so many questions.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.