My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The Backseat Boys
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”