I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
this will hang in the louvre one day
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.