I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
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*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.