My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
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[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Fiction has to make sense.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?