WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee