The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶