No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
tell em, edith-anne
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.