made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?