A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?