A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
knights of the ikea table
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.