I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
love it when they get my name right
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse