The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.