I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
There are usually two types of merchants.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers