Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.