Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
courtroom exchange of the day
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.