My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.