I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Where’s my employee discount too?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday