My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.