When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
😂💯
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!