I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
no one likes gloating
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.