Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
You Might Also Like
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?