These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Not today.. 😂
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.