Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
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GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My first son he is wonderful
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up