Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Phonetics
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.