*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day