Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
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Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*