hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?