what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
A man of commitment.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“That’s what” – She
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on