People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?