It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.