I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
We found love in a hopeless place.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Sometimes? I’m slipping
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”